Last Christmas Read online

  They tumbled into bed and made gloriously satisfying love. Cat went to sleep with a smile on her face, and woke up a few hours later with one too. This was going to be the perfect Christmas. The best ever.

  The morning didn’t start quite smoothly though.

  ‘Don’t you have any muesli?’ Angela asked querulously at breakfast. ‘You know I always have it for breakfast.’

  Actually Cat hadn’t known. Angela had been insisting on prunes for breakfast since she’d arrived, and to Cat’s knowledge had never had muesli when staying with them in her life.

  Ruby turned pale at the sight of breakfast and promptly threw up. At which point Cat discovered she’d eaten every single piece of chocolate that Santa had left in the selection box in her stocking. Cat had been planning for the whole family to go to the nine thirty Family Service, but Noel used Ruby being sick as an excuse not to go, and Angela cried off too, leaving Cat with the other three who moaned all the way. Cat had only gone for the carols, and was disappointed not to get any, apart from ‘Hark the Herald Angels Sing’ at the end. It didn’t feel like Christmas at all.

  By the time they got home, Mum had arrived with Great Uncle Paddy, who demanded that they find him a straight-backed chair to sit in then complained because it was too uncomfortable. In the end Noel brought down his office chair and shoved a cushion behind it, which seemed to do the trick, but the tone was already set.

  Then Auntie Eileen arrived to provide some festive cheer in the shape of gin, which she insisted on everyone sharing. Cat suspected Auntie Eileen had already imbibed a fair bit before she arrived. Her red nose was worthy of Rudolph. Finally Soppy Sarah turned up late, flustered and apologetically twittering about how long the vicar went on today. She took one look at Ruby dressed in the Santa outfit she’d got for Christmas, pronounced her ‘totally adorable’, and promptly burst into tears. Cat had to kick both James and Mel in the shins to stop them laughing out loud. They ran off up the stairs in fits of hysterics. Cat rubbed her forehead, where the glimmerings of a headache were beginning to form. She had a feeling it was going to be a very long day. At least she could escape to the kitchen.

  Noel, who appeared to have taken Auntie Eileen’s offers of gin as a good enough reason to start drinking rather earlier than Cat would have liked, was clearly being driven insane by his mother as he kept coming into the kitchen and annoying her.

  ‘Will you get back out there with our guests?’ she hissed.

  ‘You invited them all,’ said Noel, ‘you go.’

  ‘No-el,’ said Cat warningly.

  ‘Okay, okay, I’m gone,’ said Noel.

  Lunch was eventually served about an hour after she’d intended, as always seemed to be the case on Christmas Day. By now Auntie Eileen had really lost the plot and was humming Christmas carols out loud, which of course was too much for Mel and James who, despite Cat’s warning looks, spent most of lunch in fits of hysterics. Meanwhile Soppy Sarah and Great Uncle Paddy had made the mistake of talking politics. As Sarah was the most liberal of wets and Great Uncle Paddy the most right-wing of fascists, this was not going down too well. Thankfully Granny Dreamboat was doing a sterling job of playing referee.

  Angela took advantage of this to spend the whole meal quietly needling Noel about his job.

  ‘Is it going to survive this credit crunch, do you think?’ she kept asking, till even Cat was sick of it.

  ‘Mum, will you just leave it,’ Noel ended up exploding. ‘I don’t want to talk about work on Christmas Day.’

  At that, Angela got up and rushed off in floods of tears, so Cat felt duty-bound to follow her.

  ‘Way to go, Noel,’ she said, wondering why, when it was always Noel who made his mother cry, it was she who picked up the pieces.

  ‘How are you doing, cuz?’ Pippa found Gabriel in the garden, once again fruitlessly sending a text message to Eve. ‘Do you know, if you’re not careful, I’m going to smash that phone up and throw it in the midden.’

  ‘You’d probably be doing me a favour,’ said Gabriel ruefully. ‘You’re right. I’m wasting my time. I just keep hoping. It’s bad enough for me, but how can she do that to Stephen?’

  ‘I think,’ said Pippa carefully, ‘that Eve’s been in a very very dark place for a long time, and I don’t think you can judge her actions right now the way you can a normal person’s. And in a way, she may have done the best thing by leaving.’

  ‘How can it be the best thing?’ said Gabriel, shivering in the cold. There was still a smattering of snow on the ground, and though the sun was bright in the sky it was hardly warm.

  ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, Gabe,’ said Pippa, ‘but I don’t think you help her. I know, I know. You want to. And you’ve cared for her brilliantly all these years. It’s your special skill, that, caring for others. But sometimes people need to stand on their own two feet.’

  ‘And you think Eve is better off without me?’ Gabriel knew in his heart that Pippa was right. All his caring for Eve had been useless. He couldn’t get inside her head and sort it out, only she could do that.

  ‘In a way, yes. She’s just like all those birds with broken wings you tended when we were kids,’ said Pippa. ‘Only you’ve never let her have the opportunity to fly. Maybe if you do, she’ll come back better, and you three can move forward towards some kind of normal life. You couldn’t have carried on the way you were.’

  ‘I know,’ Gabriel kicked a toe against the ground. It broke his heart to say it, but Pippa was right. ‘I’ve known for years that things weren’t working. I just wanted it so badly to be okay, for all of our sakes. But especially for Stephen’s.’

  ‘He’s got you,’ said Pippa, ‘and us. Stephen will be all right. We’ll make sure of it.’

  Gabriel gave his cousin a grin. ‘I’m not the only one in the family with a weakness for lame ducks,’ he said. ‘Thanks, Pippa. For everything. At least Stephen’s had a halfway decent Christmas. He’d have had a rotten time with just me.’

  ‘You are not a lame duck, Gabriel North,’ said Pippa sternly. ‘Now let’s get inside before we freeze to death. I think it’s time we started on the mulled wine, don’t you?’

  The turkey eaten, the Christmas pudding burnt, this should be the time on Christmas Day when Noel should have been feeling at one with the world. But he most definitely wasn’t. It was partly because his mother had been nagging him so much. She never knew when to stop, and then always made things worse by crying. He felt lousy that he’d made her cry, but didn’t know how to make it better. He’d never known how to do that, so always left it to Cat.

  There’d been a brief moment last night, when Noel actually thought they might have something approaching a decent Christmas. But, despite feeling petty about it, he’d had to admit that he was disappointed by the minimalist nature of her present. It was as though she’d used up all her energy on everyone else and had no time for him. This feeling was exacerbated when, in the orgy of present-giving after lunch, he’d variously opened a couple of books, some socks, a shirt, a jumper and…

  ‘Good God, Cat, what on earth have you given me a manbag for?’ Noel’s voice was sharper than he intended.

  ‘I thought you’d like it,’Cat looked stricken, and he immediately felt like a toad. Great. Now he’d made her cry. Two for the price of one. Happy bloody Christmas. He grumpily helped himself to another drink and got into bad-tempered conversation with Cat’s Great Uncle Paddy about the rights and wrongs of the Iraq war.

  Cat started to gather up the table things, helped by her mother, who as usual was quietly going about her business, keeping people happy and entertained and smoothing over rough edges. What would they do without her? For a shameful minute or two Noel was swept with a burning resentment that he got Granny Nightmare for a mother while Cat got the Dreamboat. It didn’t seem fair.

  The kids had all escaped to the lounge to watch their new DVDs and the oldies, as Cat called them, all seemed to be set for the day chatting about the Good Old Days. Noel
went into the kitchen to see if Cat needed some help.

  ‘I’m sorry about the bag,’ she said, but she was crashing the crockery round so much, he could tell she didn’t mean it.

  ‘Sounds like it,’ said Noel.

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Cat flung back at him.

  ‘Oh, come on, Cat, I can see how little time you spent choosing presents for me,’ said Noel. ‘Everyone else got just exactly what they wanted and I, I got precisely zilch.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake grow up, Noel,’ said Cat between clenched teeth. They were conducting the argument in whispers so as not to alert their guests, but anyone walking in the room right now could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

  ‘If I behave like a child maybe you’ll pay me some attention,’ said Noel, ‘you pay the kids enough.’

  ‘For heaven’s sake,’ said Cat, ‘they’re children. You’re a grown-up. Don’t tell me you’re jealous of them?’

  Realising that she was right and he sounded ridiculous, but having too much pride to apologise, Noel grabbed his coat, stormed up the stairs and out of the house. ‘Where are you going?’ Cat shouted after him.

  ‘Out,’ said Noel, slamming the door.

  It was freezing cold, and for a moment he thought about turning back, but he was so furious—he just wasn’t sure exactly with who or what. It wasn’t just Cat. It was everything. His work. His mum. The feeling that he was superfluous to requirements.

  Inevitably he found himself walking on Walthamstow Marshes, by the river. They often went there for Sunday walks as a family, particularly when the children were smaller. It was the one place he could usually find contentment. But not today. He walked for about an hour, feeling melancholy and out of sorts, before making his way back through the little park that he and Cat took the kids to sometimes. He sat down on a bench and stared disconsolately across the marshes. A low sun was setting, casting golden shadows across a sullen wintry grey sky. Noel felt more out of sorts than he’d ever done in his life before, and at a loss to understand why. What was happening to him? He felt like everything he held dear was slipping through his fingers.

  Noel sat there for so long, his feet went numb. At some point he was going to have to go home, but he didn’t know whether he was ready to.

  ‘I thought I’d find you here.’ Cat stood behind him, dangling the car keys. ‘Come on. This is silly. It’s Christmas Day and you’re sitting out here freezing to death. I’m really sorry about my crap presents. I didn’t know you were going to buy me such a nice one.’

  She came over and sat down next to him and put her arm round him.

  ‘What’s happening to us?’ she said. ‘I feel like we’re falling apart.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’said Noel,‘I’m just out of sorts and grumpy.’

  ‘So you forgive me, then?’

  ‘Nothing to forgive.’ Noel reached out to Cat and squeezed her hand. Then getting up, they walked back to the car. Cat was right. It was Christmas Day. The least he could do was try and enjoy it.

  This Year

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  ‘Eve,’ Gabriel swallowed hard. This was so completely unexpected. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘You could invite me in,’ said Eve.

  Gabriel stood uncertainly in the corridor, wishing that he had something more substantial than a towel wrapped round him. Familiar feelings of tenderness, exasperation and incredulity at Eve’s behaviour were churning up with pleasure at seeing her again, and a deep white fury that he had been suppressing for months.

  ‘I could,’ he said stiffly. ‘Or I could tell you to bugger off.’

  ‘I wouldn’t blame you if you did,’ said Eve, turning her piercing blue eyes on him, bright with unshed tears. ‘If I say I’m sorry, I know it’s not enough, but I was in a bad way back then.’

  He’d forgotten her fragility, and the breathtaking beauty of her porcelain skin, the vulnerability that she barely concealed. It tugged at his heart and he was fighting to resist the urge to comfort her, to look after her, as he always had.

  ‘Stephen didn’t deserve that,’ said Gabriel, reining in his emotions. However much he cared about Eve, he couldn’t forgive her yet for what she’d done to their son.

  ‘I know,’ said Eve. ‘And I know I probably don’t deserve a second chance—’

  ‘You don’t,’ said Gabriel flatly.

  ‘—but I do want to see our son.’

  ‘What if he doesn’t want to see you?’ Gabriel knew it was cruel, but he couldn’t resist the impulse to wound.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ taunted Eve. ‘Pretend I haven’t been here?’

  Gabriel paused. He’d lied to Stephen once about Eve. He didn’t think he could do it again.

  ‘How do I know you won’t hurt him again?’ he said.

  ‘I won’t,’ said Eve. ‘I promise I won’t, not this time.’

  Gabriel leant heavily against the door.

  ‘I can’t be sure of that,’ said Gabriel, ‘you’ve let him down so many times before.’

  ‘This time it’s different.’ Eve was pleading now, and he felt himself weaken as he saw the tears shining in her eyes. ‘I know I’ve not always been there for Stephen, but I am his mum. And he needs me.’

  Eve looked so lost and forlorn as she said this, Gabriel felt his resolve crumble, and the old urge to look after and protect her shot right through him. She was right. Whatever Eve had done to him and Stephen, she was still Stephen’s mother, and he knew Stephen was capable of a great deal of forgiveness.

  ‘Daddy, who is it?’ Stephen had obviously got bored with what was on the TV and had come out to the hall. Gabriel had been shielding the door with his body and talking in low whispers.

  But now Eve pushed the door open. ‘Stephen?’ she said tentatively. Gabriel’s wavering emotions immediately veered towards protection. He knew Eve deserved Stephen’s rejection, but he wasn’t sure he could bear to watch if his son didn’t want to see his mother.

  Stephen stood uncertainly in the hallway, as if not quite sure what he was seeing.

  Gabriel tensed.

  ‘Mummy?’ Stephen whispered. ‘Mummy, is that you?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Eve, the tears falling now. ‘I’ve come back to say sorry.’

  ‘Are you really back?’ Stephen said, as if he dared not believe it.

  ‘I’m back, and I’m not going anywhere ever again,’ said Eve.

  Stephen ran down the hall and flung himself in her arms, and Gabriel leant back in relief that Stephen had accepted his mother’s return, but felt a gnawing worry about where they went from here. For months all he’d wanted was for Eve to come back and for them to be a family again. But that was before Marianne. If he chose to have Eve back he was going to have to hurt Marianne. But if he chose Marianne, he wasn’t sure his son would ever forgive him.

  Noel was on his way home when Cat called with the news about her mother. Suddenly his anxieties about telling her he’d lost his job seemed meaningless. Cat sounded tearful and upset, not at all like her calm, controlled self. Noel wanted to go straight to her but knew that, first things first, he had to check how the children were.

  Regina was cooking tea and organising homework when he arrived.

  ‘Get along with you,’ she said, when Noel suggested taking the children home. ‘I’m fine here for another couple of hours. I think Cat needs you right now.’

  Noel protested, but Regina wouldn’t hear a word of it. ‘Come on,’ she said, ‘remember the time when I’d had my Caesarean when Ollie was born, and Cat took the kids to school for me for weeks? Weeks. That’s what we do, Noel. We help each other out when we can.’

  ‘I’ll give my mum a ring and see if she can come round,’ said Noel. ‘That way at least we won’t be imposing on you for too long.’

  Noel dreaded ringing his mum. Normally he let Cat do it and have one of those mysterious female chats that went on for hours and which involved nothing more important than swapping reci
pes (he had a feeling some of Granny Nightmare’s favourites were going in the cookbook, though Cat had sworn she wasn’t going to call her that), or discussing The X Factor. If Noel ever did ring his mother, he kept it as short and sweet as possible so she couldn’t start telling him about how wonderful his sister and her offspring were and how inadequate he and his were by comparison. On a normal day, he’d never have rung her, particularly when he’d just lost his job. But today wasn’t a normal day. Noel loved Louise and couldn’t bear the thought of her becoming ill and old. He’d been so caught up in his own problems of late, he’d thought Cat might be exaggerating the nature of her mother’s illness, and now he felt ashamed of the thought.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ he said as his mother picked up the phone. ‘It’s Noel.’

  ‘I’ve already packed my bag, and I’ll be on the first train tomorrow,’ said his mother.

  ‘Sorry?’ Noel was taken aback.

  ‘Catherine rang me from the hospital to tell me what happened,’ said his mother crisply. ‘You two are going to need a lot of help while Catherine’s mother is in hospital. And Catherine doesn’t need to have to worry about the children right now, so I’m coming to stay till you’re straight again. It’s all agreed.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Noel. He’d been gearing himself up for an argument about how she wasn’t at his beck and call, and here she was all ready to drop everything to come down. ‘That’s very good of you, Mum. We both appreciate it.’

  ‘That’s what families are for,’ said Mum. ‘If you can’t turn to me in a crisis, who can you turn to?’

  Noel was still mulling over the unexpectedness of this when he got to the hospital. He found Cat by her mother’s bed, holding her hand.

  Louise smiled when she saw him, but seemed a bit confused. ‘Catherine, you haven’t introduced me to this nice young man,’ she said.

  ‘Come on, Mum, you know who this is,’ said Cat. ‘It’s Noel. We’ve been married for fifteen years.’