Make a Christmas Wish Read online

  ‘Yes, yes, I know I’m dead and I can’t have him back,’ I say impatiently. ‘But it’s as if Adam has forgotten all about me, as if I never even existed. I want him to remember it’s me that he loves. Not this – this Emily person. I want him to mourn me!’

  ‘Well, good luck with that,’ says Malachi, nodding at the couple in the window, ‘because quite frankly, this is not the reason you’re back. I keep telling you, you need to put things right.’

  I am not in the mood to listen. This is my life – well it was – not Malachi’s.

  ‘Yeah yeah, I know,’ I say. ‘But as it goes I think you’re wrong. And I’m going to prove it.’

  ‘On your own head be it,’ says Malachi, with a shrug. And with that he vanishes, leaving me with my nose pressed up against the glass, looking in, like a child outside a sweet shop.

  Emily

  ‘This is better,’ said Emily as they squeezed into a table by the window of Carlo’s, a family-owned restaurant she and Adam were rather fond of.

  The restaurant was busy and over-adorned with tinsel and gaudy Christmas decorations, according to Carlo’s quirky style. There was a small plastic tree on the bar, its lights flashing on and off intermittently. It even had a drunken-looking fairy on the top. Emily knew how she felt. The effects of the alcohol, combined with the cold walk, had made her feel decidedly woozy.

  ‘Water, lots of it,’ she said when the waiter came to their table.

  ‘Good idea,’ said Adam, though he ordered a beer as well.

  Now they were here, Emily was starting to feel a little less out of it. Remorse poured through her as she kept running over the cringe-inducing moment in the bar.

  ‘I hope I haven’t caused you loads of grief at work,’ she said, reaching over to take Adam’s hand.

  ‘I doubt it,’ said Adam. ‘We’ll be a one-hit wonder. After tonight, there’s bound to be more juicy gossip for people to mull over. Like I say, you’ve probably done me a favour. Anyway, let’s not talk about that now. It’s done.’

  Emily breathed a sigh of relief. One of the nicest things about Adam was that never dwelt on stuff too long. On the whole, Adam was a pretty calm person. He must have been to put up with Livvy so long. His anger when it came was fast, furious and over quickly. Graham would have eked that one out for weeks, whereas Adam’s favourite phrase was ‘never let the sun go down on your anger’. And he never did – at least not with her, which was one of the many reasons Emily had fallen in love with this kind, funny man. He always tried to do the right thing. He always tried to be even-handed about Livvy too, refusing to bad-mouth her.

  ‘She was sick, Emily,’ he’d say, ‘she wasn’t always like that. Maybe I could have done more …’

  He always looked so sad then, Emily felt there was a place – a Livvy place – where she couldn’t reach him. Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if Livvy had lived. Would Adam have still been trying to help her? Emily rather suspected he would.

  ‘How did I get so lucky to find you?’ Emily said, lacing her fingers through his, still feeling the thrill of his touch.

  ‘Ditto,’ Adam said, and they stared at each other, soppily happy.

  There was a sudden bang on the window, which made them both jump, but then they laughed for jumping, and Emily squeezed Adam’s hand tightly.

  ‘I’ve been thinking,’ Adam said, ‘about what Joe said the other day.’

  ‘About me being his mum?’ Emily said. ‘I don’t want to replace Livvy.’

  ‘That’s not what he meant. That’s Joe being very literal. He hasn’t got a mum. You can be his new mum. It makes sense in his head.’

  ‘I suppose,’ said Emily, ‘but …’

  ‘It’s daunting, I know,’ said Adam, ‘but we have something here. Something special. I’d forgotten till you came along that I could be happy, and you make me so happy. I know it didn’t come about in the best of circumstances, and we didn’t plan it like this. But what I’ve learned from what happened to Livvy is that life’s too short. We can’t put constraints on how we feel or what we do, just because of what other people think. After what we’ve both been through, we deserve some happiness; that’s if you’re prepared to take Joe on.’

  Emily’s heart did a double flip and her mouth went dry.

  ‘Adam, what are you saying?’ He couldn’t be about to propose, could he?

  Adam looked at her. ‘Well, in the short term, will you move in with us?’

  ‘Oh Adam.’ Emily was awash with conflicting emotions. ‘I’d love to, you must know that. But …’

  ‘You’re worried it’s too soon?’

  ‘A little,’ said Emily. ‘And then there’s Joe – I want to do the right thing by him.’

  ‘I know,’ said Adam. ‘It won’t be easy. But we love each other; I think we can make it work.’

  Emily gulped. She’d fought hard for her independence after Graham left, and always sworn she’d take her time settling down with someone else. But Adam wasn’t Graham and, as he had said, life was short.

  ‘You think?’

  ‘I know,’ said Adam firmly. The windows rattled again, making them both start. It was clearly getting very windy out there. ‘I thought I’d had my shot at happiness. But then you came into my life. And we could waste our time worrying about what’s happened or grab the moment and be happy. That’s all I want now.’

  ‘Me too,’ Emily said, feeling a little tearful. It wasn’t quite a proposal, but then Emily hadn’t expected one so soon. She squeezed Adam’s hand. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, I’d love to.’

  Outside in the street the wind blew rubbish down the road, and people braced themselves against the wind. But Emily sat in a warm bubble of happiness. Whatever happened next, she had Adam at her side, and that was all that counted.

  Joe’s Notebook

  My mum is dead.

  I saw her in the hospital.

  I went to her funeral.

  That is very bad.

  Sometimes my eyes feel wet and I don’t know why.

  But then I look through my telescope at Venus and I feel better. I know Mum is watching me.

  Emily is going to be my new mum.

  I like Emily.

  If she had a star, I think she would be a star in Libra. She is a very balanced person.

  It is good she wants to be my mum.

  But … I made a Christmas wish. I asked for my mum to come back. And I think it might have come true.

  You can only have one mum.

  I don’t need two mums.

  That wouldn’t be right.

  Christmas Past

  Livvy

  Nooo!!! I howl at the restaurant window and the cold sleet seems to come down harder. I am so frustrated. How will I ever get Adam to notice me again when he’s so loved up with Emily? Emily is going to get my life. Raging, I blow through the streets, nudging the Christmas revellers, making more than one of them mutter about someone walking over their grave. How could this be happening, how? Why has Adam forgotten me?

  ‘You know how.’ Malachi appears as I finally settle down on a park bench where I watch the sleet coming down in sheets, and the ducks shivering in the bushes.

  ‘No, I really don’t,’ I say.

  ‘You’ve got to stop with the blame game,’ he says.

  ‘Why?’ I say bolshily. ‘What’s it to you?’

  ‘I am trying to explain to you,’ says Malachi patiently. ‘You have unfinished business with Adam and Joe. You need to set things right. And you can start by taking responsibility for what you’ve done.’

  What have I done that’s so bad? I’ve done nothing wrong, or not that I can recall. Malachi is winding me up.

  With a start I find myself back in my house again. But it’s around fourteen years ago, I think. It’s Christmas Day. We’ve had a lovely cosy Christmas Eve sorting three-year-old Joe’s stocking, giggling in hushed whispers while we creep into his room and hang it by his bed and then curling up together with a bottle of wi
ne in front of the fire. It feels perfect, like we’re a proper family at last. Gradually the shock of Joe’s diagnosis has faded and now we’re in coping mode. I’ve decided not to go back to work. Joe needs me too much. And fighting for him takes up all my time. It was a wrench leaving my job as a copywriter for a big advertising firm. I’d worked hard to get where I had, and to be honest I hated being at home at first, but what else could I do?

  The upside though, is that Joe is much calmer now I’m around. He’s still not great about being touched or hugging me, but at least he longer screams when I hold him. And now he’s getting older, I can reason with him more. Things are coming together in a much better way, and I’m thrilled that he was chosen to be a wise man in the nursery nativity. I had a lump in my throat when he lisped ‘Frankincense,’ when asked what he was giving the baby Jesus. Although it’s hard, there are moments like this of pure unadulterated joy, which I treasure.

  Adam has taken a job closer to home, which means he’s around a lot more. It’s less money, but we’re both grateful that he is so close. Joe and I frequently pop into the office to see him and Adam’s colleagues are brilliantly supportive. I feel like Adam and I are a team now. He insists I have a break at the weekend and has started taking Joe to swimming lessons on a Saturday, giving me some precious time to myself. I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. So many of the women I meet in the Asperger’s support group I go to occasionally have been left to struggle on alone. I know Adam would never do that to me. He adores Joe, and I couldn’t have asked for a better dad for my son. We’re dealing with this, and it will be OK. Finally, after three tough years, I think we’ve turned a corner – so much so, that when Adam brings up the perennial topic of a brother or sister for Joe – something I’ve been resisting because it scares me – I don’t give him an outright no.

  Today, Adam’s parents, Mary and Anthony, and my mum and dad are coming for Christmas lunch. It’s the first time we’ve hosted. We moved into this house when we first got married. It was all we could afford at the time, and desperately run down, but we didn’t care, because we were just so happy to be together planning our future. I fell pregnant with Joe quite soon after we moved in, and although it was an anxious time, it was also thrilling the first moment we heard Joe’s heartbeat, and I started to feel I might get all the way through this pregnancy.

  The house was still in chaos when we brought Joe home, and Adam worked really hard to make it habitable for us. It still needs loads of work; the back door always rattles, and we could do with a new kitchen, but I absolutely love it. Prices round here are so expensive, we can only afford a smallish three-bedroom cottage, but it’s a step up from the flat we lived in before. I feel we’ve finally graduated into the world of adulthood (something my mother has always seemed to feel is lacking in me). This is our family home, where we are making a success of bringing up our son, despite all the difficulties involved, and I’m determined to show our parents how well we’re doing. Today is going to be a wonderful day.

  To begin with everything goes swimmingly. Joe is well behaved and quiet, though I notice him flinching from Mary’s hug. My mum at least has the sense not to touch him unless invited to.

  The turkey, which I’ve been cooking since 6.30 a.m., because our oven is so temperamental, is cooked to perfection. The wine is flowing, the conversation is relaxed, and even the Christmas pudding lights first time. Adam and I have been working together seamlessly to make sure everyone has what they want. I couldn’t have asked for more. I pour myself an extra-large glass of wine after lunch, something I reckon I deserve.

  And then it’s time for presents. We gather round the tree, complete with decorations that Joe has made at nursery, as well as the more traditional sort Adam went out and bought to mark our first Christmas in our new home. The lights are sparkling and bright, and presents are spilling over themselves.

  Joe’s the only grandchild in both our families so I suppose it makes sense that he gets spoiled. But it’s when we start unwrapping presents that all hell breaks loose.

  In their wisdom, and without consulting me, Mary and Anthony have decided that Joe needs one of those sound-light jobbies that helps kids learn their alphabet, as Adam has told them he’s behind on a lot of the skills other kids his age have. For a normal kid, it was probably a great idea. For Joe, it’s a disaster.

  ‘Ah,’ I say, foreseeing trouble, ‘I think I might take that for later.’ (I make a mental note to take it to the charity shop at the first available opportunity.) Joe can be sensitive to noise and light, and coupled with a busy day that has slightly broken his routine, I’m not sure it will go down too well.

  But Mary is too quick for me. She is clearly proud of her gift, and wants to share it.

  ‘Look, Joe,’ she says, ‘look what it does.’

  She starts the machine and it emits light, and beeps and whistles. I can see Joe is getting agitated.

  ‘Wait,’ I say, ‘it’s too much, Joe doesn’t like it.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ says Mary, who always knows best, ‘of course Joe likes it, don’t you, Joe?’

  She’s trying so hard, but she’s got it all wrong.

  Then Joe puts his hands over his ears and lets out a high-pitched scream, before throwing himself on the floor and kicking wildly.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say as I dodge Joe’s flailing limbs to calm him down. ‘He’s sensitive to noise.’

  ‘Sensitive to noise? Never heard such rubbish,’ says Anthony. ‘Nothing wrong with him, he needs a firm hand.’

  ‘No. He doesn’t,’ I say as patiently as I can. ‘Joe’s condition means that he needs the opposite. He needs care and consideration.’

  ‘Well, of course you will insist on spoiling him.’

  I look at both my in-laws with increasing dislike. How dare they judge me, when they couldn’t even cope with their own son? Suddenly I feel deeply resentful of them. Adam and I are doing our best to care for ours. We might not be getting it right, but it’s a damn sight better than the way they have behaved. Joe might be hard work, but we both love him. I cannot imagine how any parent could make the decision to hide their child away the way Mary and Anthony have.

  ‘At least he’s not hidden away, out of sight,’ I burst out. The words are out of my mouth before I’ve registered. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that last glass of wine.

  ‘Livvy!’ says Adam, shocked.

  ‘I beg your pardon.’ Anthony’s face goes purple. ‘How dare you?’

  ‘Sorry, sorry,’ I say backtracking wildly, conscious that Adam is looking at me in horror. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know why I did.’

  ‘You have no idea what we’ve been through,’ Mary has gone pink with anger. ‘You have no right to judge us.’

  But you feel the right to judge me, I think bitterly.

  ‘I’m sure Livvy didn’t intend any upset,’ Dad steps in smoothly, and I feel like hugging him. ‘Did you, Livvy?’

  ‘No, no I didn’t,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry, it was an unforgivable thing to say.’

  ‘Yes it was,’ says Anthony tightly, making me angry again. If he and Mary hadn’t been so damned critical I’d never have said anything.

  Dad pats me warningly on the arm; I think he can tell I’m boiling up again, and there’s an awkward silence before Mum says brightly, ‘Mary, could you give me a hand in the kitchen? I think we could all do with some tea and Christmas cake.’ Dad meanwhile gets Anthony going about the inadequacies of Tony Blair’s leadership, which distracts him beautifully – it’s a subject close to his heart. It’s such a British reaction. No one is prepared to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Part of me thinks it’s ridiculous and we should talk about this, but that’s just not Adam’s family’s style.

  Eventually my in-laws are mollified, I calm Joe down, and an uneasy peace settles over the afternoon. But Anthony and Mary make their excuses early and Mum and Dad aren’t far behind, so I know that the day hasn’t been a success.

  Adam
is furious when I’ve shut the door. ‘Thanks for that. Didn’t you see how upset Mum was?’

  ‘What about how upset I am?’ I say. ‘I’m livid. Your dad more or less accused me of being too soft on Joe, when if they hadn’t given him that sodding toy none of this would have happened.’

  ‘I know,’ says Adam looking uncomfortable. ‘But you know what Dad’s like, he doesn’t really understand.’

  ‘How can he, when he got rid of your brother as soon as he could,’ I say bitterly.

  ‘Livvy, it wasn’t like that,’ says Adam. ‘Harry lived with them for a long while before they couldn’t manage any more. Things were different then.’

  Harry: the unspoken secret in Adam’s family. I’m not sure Adam even knows where he lives, though I’ve tried to get him to find out. I think they should have a relationship, particularly because of Joe, but he doesn’t want to upset his parents.

  ‘Not that different,’ I say. ‘If they loved your brother, they’d never have sent him away. I could never do that to Joe.’

  ‘And I would never ask you to,’ says Adam. ‘I’m sorry about what Dad said, but please don’t be so hard on him. He didn’t mean to upset you.’

  I’m not so sure about this, but I can see Adam is trying to make up. Still, I can’t forgive him for taking his parents’ side. Adam should have supported me, and he hasn’t.

  ‘I’m putting Joe to bed,’ I say, a process that can take some time on his best days. ‘He needs to stay calm after what happened today.’

  ‘Whatever.’ Adam looks defeated, and I nearly go to him then, and tell him it’s all right. But it’s not all right. My illusion of a happy family has been well and truly shattered today.

  When I come back downstairs, I sit down next to Adam and give him a hug, and say, ‘The new baby thing? Let’s leave it for a while longer, yeah? I think we’ve both got enough to deal with right now, don’t you?’

  ‘I suppose,’ says Adam.

  I pour us both a glass of wine, and we sit in front of festive TV as the fire burns out in the grate, and we don’t talk for the rest of the evening.